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17 October 2010 @ 03:01 am
I've been away for a while. I worked with my nutritonist from October 2009 until July 2010. We mostly worked on Intuitive Eating which I think is phenomenal. I think everyone should adopt the I.E. rules. I only say that because as a society we have lost our way. We are no longer in tuned with how our bodies should really act around food. I am the first to admit that. I am happy to say that with a good year of I.E. under my belt, I feel more confident around food. Sometimes I am more aware than others, but mostly I can usually feel like I am in control.

I stopped blogging here because I got caught up at SparkPeople.com It's a really amazing site that provides a great support system for those looking to loose weight. There is no pressure to set any ridiculous goals. You can be involved in all kinds of ways. You can set your own goals, join teams, get sparkpoints or just check out message boards. It's really up to you how involved you get.

Anyways, after I stopped my sessions with my nutritionist, I re-joined Sparkpeople so that I could have some motivation for myself. Btw, I stopped seeing my nutritionist b/c I couldn't afford it. So, I actually found an I.E. team there that has been really supportive. I also read "The Spark" which helped me create some overall goals for myself.

I was doing great until before I left for Costa Rica. Something happened when I was there that really changed me. People eat so healthy over there! I came back and was so dissapointed with how I ate at my home that I stopped being involved with Sparkpeople. I guess I felt overwhelmed by how hard I work and how I wasn't seeing the results in numbers.

I am also concerned because I think I have PCOS. I haven't been officially diagnosed yet so it may all be in my head but I have some of the symptoms. I have trouble losing weight, have irregular periods and the one I don't like to admit is that I get hair on my chin and some side burns. The excess hair was the first sign that something was and is wrong. That started in my early twenties. It's strange but I almost felt that my weight was responsible for it. The more I have researched I started to find more on PCOS.

PCOS is Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It causes a woman's hormones to go all out of walk. Hormones are what sends the body messages for certain parts to do their job but people with PCOS have them all out of whack. It causes insulin to increase causing an increase in testosterone which stimulated the growth of cysts.

Besides the emberassing symptoms, the worst is the risk of not being able to reproduce. I have read that it sometimes gives women problems with trying to get pregnant. :/ I want to have babies so that worries me.

Like I said, I haven't been diagnosed but in a way it's been in the back of my head and it's caused me to give up a little in the weight loss department because I know that if I do have it, then weight loss will always be an issue. So in my head, I start to think, "then what's the point?"

But, I don't want to think that way.

I'm trying to put my goals, my motivations, and my positive attitudes back where they belong but they don't want to just yet.

I wont give up tho.
Current Mood: worriedworried
08 June 2010 @ 10:52 pm
I'm back. I haven't been here in a while. I think the last time I wrote it was about PMS and how it was affecting me. Well, here we are again. I'm not sure what is eating at me. It could be a whole bunch of things. I just feel like I'm off the wagon again and I'm so sick of this roller coaster I seem to always be on. :/ I loose 5 .. gain 5 ... looose 5 ... gain 5 .. and that's how it goes the whole year. I just wish I would finally just stop and really start to loose weght :(
So ... intuitive eating is really good at helping me be more aware of my body. I am more in tune to why and how I eat, what foods affect my body and how, and now the recent discovery that my cycle plays a huge role on my weight loss. I have been breaking down some walls accepting that I am an emotional person and that has been great. However, I know myself and I get extremely emotional about one week before TOM is in town, if not more, sometimes 2 weeks. That means, I experience three weeks of absolute hormonal madness.

Now, I have been meaning to do this for some time, record my cycle and my feelings so that I could know exactly when to expect them. Now in relation to weight loss this is big because it affects it. I'll have maybe two great weeks where I am eating with no problems, my weight is going down then bam ... emotional week comes along and I start moping around, I get moody, I think life sucks, I suck, The world sucks and all I want is food to comfort me.

In addition to the emotions, I get bloated. My bras don't fit, my shirts are too tight, I can't get into my jeans and I blame myself. I start this line of thinking that I'm to blame because I'm fat. I'll never loose weight. I'm a cow. Why did I buy this shirt, thinking I'd ever look good in it. My hair is a mess. Nothing looks right. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I don't feel pretty. I'm a loser.... and so on. And that's just sad that I would say that to myself.

What's even worse is that I KNOW THIS HAPPENS EVERY MONTH!!! and every month I act like it's a new thing. It's not my fault that my hormones change and that my emotions and body changes.

Anyways, I contacted some people who are doing intuitive eating and this one girl replied and I was blown away because I just never thought of TOM that way before. She basically said that I shouldn't look at it as this terrible time that happens to me every month. I can look at it as a time to get in touch with my emotions. Also, I can prepare and if I want chocolate or something I don't normally want, go ahead and have it without guilt. Another person told me to watch a movie that will make me cry so that I can have a release of those emotions which is a greeeaaaat idea! Basically, it's a time to self care and just really take care of myself. I know I feel different when I'm in the moment. But, if I can do some things to aliviate the pain or sadness that I feel during PMS, then it's well worth it. Anyways, I'll keep you posted. I'm going to start tracking my progress in relation to my emotions and this starting in a couple days.

Wow, I haven't written an entry in a while. I suppose it was because I had gotten off track with "Intuitive Eating" and lost my way. Although I did get back on track with the help of my nutritionist, I just didn't feel ready to come by and write.

Well, we've had some major break-throughs. I've cried in the last 3 sessions and that's actually a good thing. We have been talking about emotions and the relationship with food. We have come to a point where I have been able to say outloud that I am an emotional person and am proud of it. My issue has always been that I'm very sensitive and my parents, since I was a child have always tried to extinguish that part of me. If I cried when I got upset, my mom would say I was a baby. My dad would say he couldn't talk to me becuase I would just cry. So, I've always thought that I was incompetent when I let things bother me.

I also feel things very strongly. If someone is hurting or not feeling well, I am affected greatly. I have always been that way. I say it's one the best parts about me and one of the worst. Best, because it has helped me be a helped and a friend, a good listener, someone who is dependable, but at the same time worst because it is very heavy on me and I carry the weight of my friends and family on my own life and that can be damaging for me.

Something we have been discussing is the fact that I need to just feel the pain or worry or sadness in my life. I have been using food to move past those moments and I need to face them head on. There is a lot of work that is going to go into this particular issue but I'm at least noticing it and wlling to say that I am an emotional person and that as a child I was told not to "feel" so much and as a result, I ate.
15 March 2010 @ 01:57 pm
I suddenly had this thought I wanted to jot down. Lately, I use the words vita sana in different websites and blogs which means "healthy life" in Italian. At first, I chose those words to define my goal as a means to loose weight. After all, this is what this journey has been about from the beginning. It began with a pressure to loose weight and then a journey to achieve that goal in a way that was right for me.

I'm certain that God led me to the nutritionist I see now and provided me with the means to afford one as well as the type of nutritionist she is.

The concept of "Vita Sana" to me has always been how I want to adopt a new way of life. A healthy way.

As I came out of meditation today, I came to realize something. It's all about balance. Perhaps my goal at the beginning was to eat healthy only but as I look inside today I find that I have become a "balanced" person. For the first time in a long time, I feel balanced in all the areas of my life. I feel balanced in physical fitness, my nutrition, my mental health, and I feel spiritually balanced. I'm not perfect in any area and I don't think that's the idea either. Like Eckhart Tolle mentions in his book, "A new earth", the goal is to live in the present moment and nothing else.

I don't know how long this feeling of peace is going to last because life has a way of jerking us out of our stillness but I'm really going to enjoy this moment.

I'm also going to change my goal of "Vita Sana". It is now going to be of healthy mind, spirit, and body. Achieving this with balance and not perfection.


18 February 2010 @ 11:16 pm
I just wanted to come here and express some observations I have made in the last 2 weeks. Little by little I'm really starting to change my relationship with food and in the last couple weeks I have seen some major growth and some observations.

**Grocery Shopping**

Even though I live at home, I do most of my own grocery shopping. When I first moved back home I bought a lot of foods as snacks b/c my nutritionist asked me to incorporate snacks. However, it never ceases to amaze me how I look back and in the moment I may have thought I was shopping with nutritionaly dense foods but in reality they were not.

I am happy to say now that when I go grocery shopping I stick to the perimeter of the grocery store. I heard Dr. Oz talk about this on his show. He said that all the processed food is in the middle of the store. On the outside is where you have your grans, nutrition, meats, and dairy. On my last shopping trip I didn't even step in the middle of the grocery store except to grab the V8 fusion juice that I drink.

My list typically looks like this:

spinach leaves or mixed greens
fat free dressing
V8 fruit/veggie fussion
fat free milk
fat free ice cream
fat free yogurt/pudding
perdues' portion chicken breast
instant steamed veggie packets

**My Mom's Shopping**

Willpower is a difficult thing. Especially, when you're the only one really consistetly trying to be health conscious. My dad and my brother don't need to loose weight so they eat junk food. My mom is obsessed with weight loss but she doesn't really eat healthy. The worst is that she buys all these types of snack cakes and dulce de leche cups and I'm just thinking, "are you trying to kill me!!?"

I have found that a lot of times I'm just browsing for food and I'll see the junk food she's brought home and automatically I'll get ganged up on by my family for even thinking about eating it (mind you, they brought it home) and then I do eat in their face out of spite.

So, this is def. something I want to work on. I can't do anything about certain foods being in the house but I need to some how remind myself that it is okay to eat the food so that I don't rebell against myself and also remind myself that the food might not be nutritionaly dense but rather calorically dense and if I still want to eat then go for it and record it.

**Fat Decrease**

My nutritionist and I discussed fat servings a couple sessions ago and it has changed my life!! Seriously, because now I am more aware of the fats in a lot of foods. I never realized how much fat I consumed daily. I had been wondering why I wasn't loosing weight but it makes sense to me that fat content had something to do with it. The odd thing is that while I was decreasing fats I was also increasing veggies and fruits so it has been a great balance to see on my food journals how the fat intake is decreasing and that veggies and fruits are going up. Halleluhia! :D

**Misconstrued Perception Of What Is Actually Eaten**

I wanted to write about this because although I have to give myself a pat on the back for writing in my food journal everyday I have noticed that I tend to omit certain foods. For example, I'm not recording portions correctly. I know part of me didn't even know what a portion was but the other part was that I was ashamed of recording the actual amount. For example, if I put mayo on my sandwhich I might put a little on my knife and spread it thin on my bread which is okay but lathering on like 3 or 4 knifefulls of mayo is maybe 2-3 servings of fat. For example, today I had spaghetti and I just really enjoyed it so I had seconds and today I told myself, that I def. needed to be honest with myself and put that I had 2 servings of grain, not just one.

So I think that's the big thing here. I want to be honest with myself because until I can face the issues head on, they wont get resolved. (This is an aha moment I'm having lol :) )


I just want to report that I have't done this in a loooong time. I was a little obsessive with health books and articles that it drove me to a binge the other day but honestly hasn't happened in a long time. It's important for me to understand what triggers these but it's good to know it is happening less and less.

**Veggies & Fruits**

Thank God for V8!! V8 makes is really easy for me to incorporate fruits and veggies. Also, on my own I have noticed a major increase in my awareness for them both. I literally stop and think before each meal and think, "how can I add some fruits or veggies in this next meal?" Which is a HUGE milestone for me!!!! It's become habit so I pray it continues to be that way.

**Physical Activity**

I am still walking with my dad every Tues, Thur, & Sundays for 60 minutes. We have another 5K this Sunday!!!! I also bought myself a totalgym so that I can start doing some strength training too.

I really want to get better at jogging but I'm finding that my shins hurt a lot so I'm not sure how I'm going to attack this problem just yet but we'll see.

**Moods & Emotions**

Sometimes I think I'm bipolar b/c my mood can change in less than a second. Seriously. This is a huge problem for me and weight loss. Most of the time I'm a happy person and will be set off by a commercial or mean remark from someone but there are times when I get really down like around PMS time or if things are just not going right. I'm very hard on myself and so I'm still trying to find ways to deal with my emotions.

I am happy to report however that although I have been highly emotional the last 2 weeks and it didn't reflect in my food journals and that is something I am very proud of because it means I am starting to distance myself from food as a coping mechanism :D Go me!!

So those are my observations for last couple weeks! I'll continue to work on those things that need fixing and keep up the good work on those good habits that are forming!!

I <3 Me!!
04 February 2010 @ 11:50 pm
I'm back. Well, something has happened in the last few days where I've turned into an emotional wreck. I don't know if it's one too many melow-dramatic Felicity episodes or PMS, but I have been all over the charts with my moods. My emotions even followed me to my nutritionists appointment.

This Monday, I went in and we did our usual thing. We went over my food log and I made the mistake of saying I was "bad" on Saturday and Sunday. Well, my nutritionist really doesn't like when I talk about food negatively b/c she says all food is good. It's all a matter of perspective, moderation, and thinking the decisions through. So anyways, when I said that, she asked me what was so bad about it. In our previous session we had talked about croissants and how they aren't healthy. This must have triggered something in me to want them even more because on Sunday I had 4 croissants in one day.

So when I said this to her, I sort of said it in a way that made her question me. I said, "I ate bad things, that I had been bad that day and that I had a 'crazy' day." So she asked me why it was so bad? She then proceeded to explain that to say that my be me saying I was "bad" implies that I'm a bad person. She told me that I must think I'm a bad person and that's when it happened.

The tears just rolled out of my eyes. Couldn't make them stop. All these thoughts of why I am a bad person kept pouring out. None that are logical but still they pressed in my mind. They surfaced as if they had been held down by weights in water and suddenly the weights came loose. Suddenly, I could see all my "issues" floating next to me.

For reasons that I can't explain, when she said the bad person thing, I thought about my ex-boyfriend and what surfaced was the guilt I carry for that event. I still feel guilty that what happened was not avoided, that I had to let him go and betray him, betray my own love for him, that I emberassed my family, that I dissapointed myself, I let myself down, I feel guilty for not being strong enough like my parents would have liked ... and I'm also hurt for the pain, the betrayal, the lies. I carry all of this and more on my shoulders. I use food as punishment for all of these things. I am angry at myself for having allowed someone like him in my life. I am angry at myself for trusting him. For believing him. I'm angry at myself for still being angry and even thinking about this 8 years later when I thought it was over.

This is all that I realized.

Somehow, I need to stop punishing myself for the mistakes and for the choices I have made in my past. I have every right to live my life at it's full potential. Food was my comfort, but food has also been my punishment and I didn't do anything wrong. There is no way I could have forseen that. I'm not bad. I'm good.

I'm a good person. I love my family. I am there for my friends. I help people when they are in trouble. I often set my feelings aside to comfort another. I organize chairty events. I am determined. I am smart. I donate money all the time. I'm a good friend. I'm honest. I'm loving and kind. I graduated from college. I have dreams and high hopes. I don't go out of my way for trouble. I make peace. I love. I'm a good person.

This entry was a little heavy, but I think it was necessary.

I have been thinking lately that I might have unresolved issues with my past that I need help with letting go. I might see someone. I'm not crazy about the idea since it's bad enough I see a nutritionist and I hate sharing my feelings or crying. However, if I don't, I feel like it will continue to re-occur.

Staying positive.

31 January 2010 @ 11:08 am
So .. yesterday was the 5K I had been training 3 months for! 2 years ago, I did my frist 5K and I finsihed it in 1 hour and 4 minutes. My goal this year was to finish the 5K in under 60 minutes. I had trained all these months and lowest I got was 60 minutes exactly when my dad and I trained the for last time before the race. Well, I met my goal! I finished in 58 minutes!!! I was so excited because I was sure that at the very least my best would have been 60 minutes exactly. Nope, I did better! I couldn't believe it actually I was crossing the finish line. Even more impressive, at least to me, is that I jogged probably a little less than 1/2 of the last mile. I also jogged throughout the 1st and 2nd mile too. In all my practices, I had always walked and at the actual 5K, I jogged a little. What an imporovement! It's so amazing to see what you are really capable of! My dad and I are going to sign up for another one. He says that he doesn't want us to loose our motivation and I think he's right.

Secretly, I'd like to become a runner. Someone who just really enjoys getting up in the morning and runs for excercise. I'm not there yet but I'm going to a point where I can viusalize that happening! Anyways, it was great!!!!

Oh and my nutritionist had mentioned at our last session that my fat content was really high. I never realized how much of the foods I eat have fat in them. Usually by breakfast I had already eaten way past the reccomended amount. So, I made an effort this week to do 2 things. One was to eat more veggies and the other to really be conscious about fat content. I have to say I did really great! To be honest cooking with veggies wasn't so bad. I hope I will be able to continue this upcoming week with this pattern. Hopefully, I can turn it into a good habit.

23 January 2010 @ 10:13 pm
Hi Everyone,

Well, I feel like I have been gone for a while. I had taken a break for a while. It seemed more like I was buried under a pile of unhealthy food and bad habits and couldn't reach the mouse or key board. I joke, but it was very much like that. Up until this week my eating habits went completely out of normal. My sister and brother in law were in town and were staying with us for a month. This stirred up a lot of my bad eating habits not to mention stress and low and behold I was completely out of control. Also, my mom and I were not able to buy the healthy foods we usually do because we knew they wouldn't last so the options of what to eat weren't all that great. However, I can't blame it all on outside factors. I blame myself as well. I caved. I saw an opportunity to go back to eating the "old way" and I took it.

I wish I could tell you that I enjoyed it. That every hot dog with ketchup, relish, and mustard was worth it. Most of the time I was uncomfortable full and really dissapointed in myself. Not so much because of the food itself but b/c I knew in me the rules and still chose to ignore them.

But alas, I'm back and have been feeling much better. Like any healthy lifestyle, you have to find what schedule is best for you. My nutritionist had told me to have snacks between my meals but I can honestly say that there have been times that I have not been hungry. So, I'm trying something different and only eating the snack if I am hungry or if I know I wont be eating for several hours between meals so that I'm not ravenous by the time my meal rolls around.

I'm still writing my food logs. I'm still seeing my nutritionist. Honestly though, I'm starting ot get a little bored. We're working on my "non-diet attitude" and my food logs and tracking how many servings I have of the different food groups but I'm bored. So, I've decided I'm going to do my own project and start working on food portions. Lord knows I don't know what a normal food portion is.

I tried to eat the reccomended food portions today for dinner. I had a 4 oz steak, about the size of my cell phone, and maybe a cup of rice and the rest of the plate was salad. It was a great dinner .. everything tasted great but guess what ... 3 hrs later .. I'm starving :/ so I'm going to do something about this. I'm def. not used to eating so little so I'm going to find a way to teach myself to enjoy smaller portions and be satisfied with them. I decided to order these awesome plates I found online called Slimware. They are square plates or you can get them round. They have graphics on them that are supposed to guide you to have better portions. For example, I ordered the safari plates, they have like a cheetah print and then in the middle 3 orange flowers. The big flower is for all the veggies .. the medium flower is for your starches/carbs ... and the small one for protein. I am so excited!! I'm so frustrated that I have wait a whole 2 weeks to get them but I am super excited!

These are the plates I ordered from Slimware (I ordered through HSN.com $26.99) Love em!!

Another thing I want to do is try to start eating veggies. I have said this before but everytime I come across a veggie that is gross I quit lol So I want to find some recipes to make them interesting.

I read 90% of Bethany Frankel's (NY Housewife) book Naturally Thin. A friend of mine got it for me a while back and I never read it because I didn't think it would be a good book. I thought it was going to be recipes and diet metality and specific meals. It's actually a lot like my intuitive eating book which I was surprised with and altho some parts I don't agree with I have to say I like most of it.

Anyways, I'm happy to say that things are better and I feel more in control. In the last 3 pounds I have only lost 10 pounds but hopefully we'll see some more loss in the months to come.

Cheers :)
04 January 2010 @ 07:45 pm
Phew! ... Holidays are finally over .. I did pretty good through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I didn't over do it. However, in the last few days I have been bingeing and eating here and there knowing that I'm really not that hungry.

I've been stressed out lately trying to deal with people being in the house and trying to keep things peaceful even though I'm pretty frustrated and I think as usual I'm turning to food. There is SO much junk food in the house. Hot dogs, burgers, chips, and chocolate and I just wish someone would eat it all so it wouldn't be here anymore. I have eaten 4 hotdogs today! What is that?!


I'm going to try to read intuitive eating again to hopefully trigger some memories of when I understood it all because right now everything I have learned is all a blur and I feel like giving up.

Ugh. :/
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated